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If one phrase could improve our relationships, strengthen our credibility and inspire respect around us, it would be this: “It’s not what you say, but how you say it”. Just nine words, but an immense power, backed up by psychology, communication science and research into emotional intelligence.
Non-verbal language: a much more powerful lever than words
Back in the 1970s, the psychologist Albert Mehrabian revealed that only 7% of communication is based on the words themselves. The rest? It comes from the tone of voice (38%) and body language (55%). This is known as the 55-38-7 rule. Other studies have confirmed it: the way we say things, more than their content, has a profound influence on the way we perceive others.
For example, when a person expresses an emotion verbally – such as anger or joy – but their tone or gestures do not match, the other person will instinctively place more trust in non-verbal signals.
Emotional intelligence requires aligned communication
This is where emotional intelligence comes in. Being able to control what you express with your body, voice and emotions is a sign of maturity in relationships. This simple phrase then becomes a mantra for better interaction. Let’s take two examples:
- A discussion as a couple: expressing personal limits is legitimate. But if you shout, tremble or speak anxiously, the message may not be well received. A calm, firm posture will reinforce the message.
- A request for a raise at work: even with the right arguments, an anxious or hesitant speech can ruin the impact. Conversely, a confident attitude and a calm tone can be more convincing than a thousand figures.
A powerful tool for all relationships
Repeating this phrase in our minds, “it’s not what you say, but how you say it”, refocuses us on the intention, posture and emotional impact of our communication. Emotionally intelligent people understand this: they rely less on perfect content and more on the harmony between their words and their actions.
And science backs them up: according to a study conducted at Oxford University by Professor Robin Dunbar, 80% of information about our relationships comes through non-verbal signals. Our conversations are not just exchanges of ideas, but above all exchanges of emotions.
At a time when authenticity and clarity are more precious than ever, this phrase deserves to be engraved in our minds. Because it reminds us that good communication is above all about being understood, with consistency, respect… and humanity.
